JUNE 1999 B MONSTER SUMMER VIEWING SPECIAL The Memorial Day weekend has signaled the arrival of summer, and hordes of monster lovers will soon assault the shores of myriad resorts. In an effort to enhance the beachgoing experience, the B Monster offers up a solid selection of beach flicks from which to choose: SHE GODS OF SHARK REEF (1957) An ultra-cheap Polynesian potboiler shot by Roger Corman back-to-back with a similar South Sea sudser called "Naked Paradise." This one's a muddled stinker about brothers shipwrecked on an island of beautiful chicks. It's watchable solely on the strength of its cool title, a syrupy teen theme song, and kitschy animated credits that many of the Corman films employed during this period. MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS (1959) The semi-gory saga of a black lagoon-esque creature, lured ashore by a lonely lighthouse keeper with scraps from the local butcher shop. Don Sullivan ("The Giant Gila Monster") and Jeanne Carmen ("Untamed Youth") are the teen beach rompers who ultimately prove the beast's undoing. HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964) This one's the coolest, kookiest, sandiest shindig on the list. Filmed entirely on location in Stamford, Conn., Party Beach delivers the campy goods. Motorcycle gangs, knockdown beach fights, a swingin' teen combo that does "The Zombie Stomp," and mass-murdering amphibious creatures with dentures made of wobbling hot dogs. Don't dare miss this one. RIDE THE WILD SURF (1964) Big-name beach blowout with some of the most unconvincingly staged surf footage you're ever likely to see. Fabian and Tab Hunter court Barbara Eden and Shelley Fabares between stints "surfing" in front of a rear projection screen. Location filming helps a little, but it takes days to get Jan and Dean's brain-numbing title tune out of your head: "Ride, ride, ride the wild surf! Ride, ride, ride the wild surf! Ride, ride, ride! Ride, ride, ride!" THE BEACH GIRLS AND THE MONSTER (1965) Slapped together with spit and peanut butter by former matinee hunk Jon Hall, this one turns up on TV occasionally as "Monster From the Surf." To keep his lackadaisical son from ignoring his studies in marine biology, scientist dad dons a scrappy rubber suit and sets about murdering twisting beach nymphs. Lots of stale surf footage and songs by Frank Sinatra Jr. BEACH BLANKET BINGO (1965) Perhaps the film most identified with this irksome sub-genre, Bingo is indeed a camp-monger's dream come true. Dig the cast, dad -- Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon (of course), John Ashley ("High School Caesar"), his real-life wife Deborah Walley ("Gidget"), Marta Kristen ("Lost in Space") as a mermaid yet, Don Rickles, Paul Lynde, Harvey Lembeck, Buster Keaton -- stop me when you've heard enough. DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE (1965) Embarrassing attempt to resuscitate the sagging surf genre by cross-breeding it with the type of second-rate sci-fi that shared the same drive-in audience. Vincent Price is brought on board as the misguided medico who manufactures shapely cyborgs as part of his evil scheme. With the ubiquitous Annette and Frankie as well as Dwayne Hickman ("Dobie Gillis"). JAWS (1977) At last, the beach film for people who hate the beach. This one started Steven Spielberg on the road to zillionairedom as it proved his ability to manipulate an audience better than darn near anyone. Personably acted and suspenseful from start to finish, it should be required viewing for impressionable college students around Memorial Day. There might be a heck of a lot less holiday traffic. SPECIAL THANKS TO: Michael F. Blake, whose books are available through Vestal Press or at http://www.amazon.com Scott Essman, scottessman@yahoo.com Harris Lentz III, whose books are available at http://www.mcfarlandpub.com Bob Madison, whose books are available at http://www.amazon.com Bryan Senn, whose books are available at http://www.mcfarlandpub.com and at http://www.midmar.com/books.html Tom Weaver, whose books are available at http://www.mcfarlandpub.com and at http://www.midmar.com/books.html PARTING BLURB "Shock-Full of Thrills!" -- Creature With the Atom Brain