The 10 worst genre-movie remakes

1. Body Snatchers (1994)
Once was enough. Twice was pushing it. Three strikes and you're out. Director Abel Ferrara's lurid retelling of Invasion of the Body Snatchers was way unnecessary.

2. The Eye Creatures (1965)
Director Larry Buchanan's painful remake of 1957's Invasion of the Saucer Men is bad in that "not funny" kind of way.

3. Godzilla (1998)
Forget the fact that many die-hard Big G fans felt that his legacy was betrayed. It's just one lousy movie.

4. The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1977)
"Hey! Let's recast one of the 50's most earnest and heartfelt science fiction films as a comedy! We'll get Lily Tomlin to play the lead! How can it miss?"

5. Invaders From Mars (1986)
One of fandom's beloved favorites is retooled with none of the original's surreal charm. It must have seemed like a great idea at the time.

6. Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)
If your idea of true terror is elephantine Marlon Brando slathered with pancake makeup and wrapped in a bed sheet, then this is the film for you.

7. King Kong (1976)
"It wasn't the airplanes ... 'twas pretentiousness killed the beast!"

8. Lost World (1960)
Irwin Allen brings you ... Claude Rains at his hammiest, jiggling Jill St. John on board for no apparent reason and live lizards decked out in Elizabethan frocks.

9. Not of This Earth (1996)
The original, one of Corman's very best thrillers, has been redone three times. So as not to confuse them, this is the one with Michael York employing all kinds of acting ticks and quirks in a vain attempt to be scary.

10. Psycho (1998)
Decide for yourself -- I'm off to complete my stroke-for-stroke remake of Van Gogh's Starry Night. Next, it's a redesign of the American flag (those horizontal stripes make it look fat).

The 10 worst genre-movie sequels

1. Alien3 (1992)
Not a scary scene in it. And can anyone tell what's going on? All those dark tunnels and bad editing. Who's chasing who?

2. Castle of Fu Manchu (1968)
Jess Franco, maybe the world's most overworked and overpraised director, hits rock bottom with this laughably inept entry. Christopher Lee is a hoot as the Asian madman.

3. Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)
Though diehard Hammer heads will never admit it, the "Studio That Dripped Blood" went to the bloody well one time too many.

4. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Reputable cast, competent director, rotten movie. The Exorcist name was money in the bank, so producers of the sequel didn't even bother to try.

5. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
How do you follow one of the best films of the decade with one of the dumbest? Disjointed and corny as all get-out.

6. King Kong Escapes (1968)
There's this guy who wants to conquer the world and this girl who wins Kong's heart ... oh, forget it! Shame on all involved with this Japanese-produced turkey.

7. Psycho II (1983), III (1986) and IV: The Beginning (1990)
II was bad, III was worse, IV was embarrassing -- stop them before they kill again! You'd think Tony Perkins would know better.

8. Return of Doctor X (1939)
A sequel in name only, they say this film was Jack Warner's way of punishing upstart Humphrey Bogart, but it's the audience that suffers.

9. 2010 (1984)
Blowsy, blowhardy follow-up to one of cinema's truly unique experiences. Retains none of the original's mystical, enigmatic power.

10. War of the Colossal Beast (1958)
The big, bald guy in the diaper is back! Lest you think we're unfairly picking on newer films, we've included Bert I. Gordon's clumsy clone of his Amazing Colossal Man.

Ten movie cliches we're completely sick of

1. The camera moves in a dizzying, complete circle around two people who are dancing, kissing or merely talking.

2. In the obligatory montage, the assassin opens a briefcase, removes the parts of his rifle, and ceremoniously slaps them together.

3. The future will be bad: a dystopic, nuclear wasteland with lots of people living underground. There's no other possible outcome.

4. A camera flashes, we hear a whir and a click, and the action on screen freezes into a snapshot.

5. A shot rings out, the hero clutches his chest, but it's the villain who falls dead. His falling body reveals his killer (usually the hero's wife or girlfriend) standing behind him with a smoking gun.

6. Despite incredible technological advances in the future, the military continues to use the same, "ah-oogah" distress siren.

7. Aliens have been here for centuries.

8. In the heat of the action, our hero witnesses some terrible event and bellows a protracted, slow-motion "NOOOOOOO!"

9. All vampires wear leather and listen to loud, techno-dance music.

10. "Whatdya know? We've been on Earth all along!"

Michael F. Blake's top 10 horror makeups
Michael F. Blake is an Emmy-winning makeup artist (Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) and author of the Lon Chaney Trilogy

Makeup artist's name in parentheses:

1. Phantom of the Opera (Lon Chaney)
2. Hunchback of Notre Dame
(Lon Chaney)
3. Frankenstein
(Jack Pierce)
4. Planet of the Apes
(John Chambers)
5. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
(Wally Westmore, 1932 version)
6. The Lost World
(Cecil Holland, ape makeup)
7. The Werewolf of London
(Jack Pierce)
8. The Wolf Man
(Jack Pierce)
9. Something Wicked This Way Comes
(Robert J. Schiffer)
10. 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
(William Tuttle, Charles Schram)

David J. Schow's uncategorized favorites
10 best films not classified as horror, sci fi or fantasy, but ought to be:
David J. Schow is the screenwriter of The Crow and a bunch of other movies, Crypt Orchids and a bunch of other books, including a massive new edition of his much-coveted Outer Limits Companion.

1. Heavenly Creatures
2. Spirits of the Air, Gremlins of the Clouds
3. Red Dawn
4. The Warriors
5. The Road to Wellville
6. Kingpin
7. Never Take Sweets From a Stranger
8. Salon Kitty
9. Crash
10. Meet the Feebles

Special vote for most overlooked prophetic sci fi movie: Looker

"Human prey of giant gorilla on her wedding night!"
The Bride and the Beast

"Driven by a force he could not control!"
The Lady and the Monster

"The place nobody knows except the girls nobody wants!"
Betrayed Women

 All contents copyright The Astounding B Monster®